Tonight (as if I post on this thing more than once in a blue moon anyway), I’m re-posting an old entry from my MySpace blog. Reason? I found this cool photo to give the essay a bit of pizazz, and in the hopes that someone may actually read it here.

Being that it’s just the beginning of September, we’re only about a month or so away from that wonderful, not always federally observed holiday, Columbus Day. Many of you just treat it as another Wednesday, going about your business never even thinking about the “intrepid explorer”. Some people though, like me, think it should be outright abolished, or at least that Indigenous People’s Day should get the same treatment. After all, they pretty much all died so Columbus could posthumously have his.

I personally find the celebration of Columbus Day abhorrent. My realization of that fact began with one of my High School History Teachers, Mr. Vandierdonck.

I, like most of you, never really thought much of the Columbus Day holiday. We didn’t often get it off from school, so it was really nothing to get excited about at age 15. But that day in 10th grade was about to take on a whole new meaning by the time I hit 3rd period “Cultures & Civ”.

First, let me preface this by saying that Mr. Michael Vandierdonck was a bit of a Zealous Teacher. He always treated everyone as if they were adults, calling us Sir and Miss (if you were a girl), and giving us nearly college level tests and projects. He knew most of us weren’t stupid, and could handle the workload. He never had us do anything outside of the curriculum, so to him it was standard state-mandated fare, but with a bit of excruciating zest added into the mix. He also was very liberal, something that I had come to appreciate in a teacher. Someone who wouldn’t sugarcoat the truth, or hold back facts because they felt it “wasn’t pertinent” or “it wouldn’t represent our ancestors/forefathers/allies favorably”. He was very much into having us find out alternative ideas to the mainstream and come to our own conclusions about various historical scenarios and current events situations. He was also very outspoken, and at our school that was his downfall (after this incident I will describe, he was censured by the principal of the school, then the district, which he left to work for a more liberal one).

I arrived in 3rd period C&C, as we called it (no relation to the similarly named music factory of note), to find my teacher clad in nothing but black. For a guy that normally wore a pair of slacks and a button down shirt, this was decidedly odd. He had warned us the day before that tomorrow would be different, as he would be remembering those horribly wronged. Not only was he dressed in black sweatpants and a black shirt, but he was also clad in an executioner’s mask, a balaclava, as it were.

We all took our seats, and the jackass high school kids that worried about popularity, clothes, and cars began to giggle at someone in what they considered a costume (being completely insecure themselves, they obviously had need to mock someone to make themselves feel more human). He asked everyone to come in quietly, for a moment of silence, and verbally called out and a very terse manner those giggling punks who disrespected his wishes. He told us that he was “celebrating” Columbus Day the only way he could: by mourning those who were lost to western colonial expansion. He said that by celebrating Columbus Day we were celebrating genocide, murder, slavery, disease, cruelty, racism, theft, bigotry, and a whole slew of other terrible actions.

Most people didn’t get it, and I have to admit, I at first didn’t either. I remember someone raising their hand and timidly asking as to why he was so bent out of shape over Columbus Day. Mr. V retorted, “Do you think what we did to the Africans and African Americans by stealing them from their homes, separating them from their families, owning them as property, and harming or killing them with no repercussions was good and justifiable?” The student had nothing but a meek reply, “No…”. “Then why should we condemn those who held slaves in the 1800′s and racially oppressed anyone not white for the past 250 years, but venerate a man who made the enslavement and near extinction of an entire race of indigenous people a reality? Because he ‘discovered America’? Please.” You could almost hear the word “bitch” before that last part of his response.

He then proceeded to read to us from a children’s book about Columbus. One of the most innocent things, telling of Columbus’ journey to the new world, in the most basic of terms. All over the cardboard book Vandierdonck had footnotes and notations on post-it notes, dispelling outright lies the book told, truths it omitted, or facts it got wrong. I have to say it was a very brutal story, and I’m sue more than one person was sick with disgust by the end of class that day.

That year though he had gone farther than he had ever gone before: Apparently the dressed-all-in-black thing was S.O.P. for Vandierdonck on every Columbus Day. He would tell the truth about Columbus’ sordid adventure and tell the kids to draw their own conclusions rather than just accept lies they were told in grade school about his historic voyage. That year though he decided to make flyers and large butcher paper posters repeating some of the missives he told us about genocide and slavery. Problem is that the Administrative Faculty had wanted to get rid of Mr. V for years, and they finally found one of his antics that they could get rid of him for. They told him that he was going to be penalized, if not fired, for his posting of the incendiary posters. He fought back saying that they were suppressing not only the well-documented truth, but also his freedom of speech. They then cited a specific rule about posting of items around the campus, stating that all missives not directly from the administration had to be approved by an administrative faculty member before being posted. That was the rule for students, and apparently that also applied to teachers as well. Vandierdonck could have postulated that other posters from faculty members hadn’t been approved before, but seeing as his weren’t as innocuous as say, Baseball Team Tryouts or Mock Trial, his had drawn more attention and thus fingered him for disciplinary action.

Anyway, long story short, Vandierdonck wasn’t fired (mainly because he brought not only his lawyer into it, but the ACLU as well. Damn, that man had CONNECTIONS…), he gave his notice and went to work for Miramonte High School, and regardless of the fact that they were our Speech & Debate Nemeses, it made me want to transfer just so I could continue to learn from this man. The teacher he was replaced with, a Mr. Wood, was very true to his namesake, and silently and unobtrusively helped Mr. V’s class finish out the year.

If you’ve read this far, I applaud you, for you may still be wondering what the point of this blog posting actually is. Mainly it’s due in fact that I just finished a brilliant book called Pastwatch: The Redemption of Christopher Columbus, by Orson Scott Card. A very phenomenal book in itself, it asks some very tough questions and presents a very interesting (yet highly speculative) look at a possible alternate history as changed by travelers from the future.

The basic storyline is this: Past Watchers from the future wish to prevent slavery from ever happening as they find it one of the utmost evils that ever existed. They trace the huge expansion of slavery and genocide to on man, Christopher Columbus, who after discovering the new world, exploits it’s native peoples in the name of god and is solely responsible for the beginning of the western colonization. The watchers find out that they know enough about history to be able to prevent these horrible atrocities from happening, that they can manipulate these events for the better, and hopefully bring about a better future (as their world is dying from the raping of natural resources by colonialists and past empires). After much back-story about Columbus’ process of getting to the “new world”, and much planning by the Pastwatchers, the ending resolves with them all changing the future within the last 60 pages of the 375 page book.

All in all the book is very good, and it does take into account the atrocious nature of the Spaniards that first landed on the Haitian coast ready to pillage the land and ensnare it’s locals into a lifetime of servitude. The speculation almost makes the book falter, solely because of the fact that the last 60 pages wrap everything up very nicely. None of the watchers’ plans really go awry after they jump back in time. It almost goes too well with no variables they weren’t able to account for; something that you think would crop up due to the fact that causality is completely random and cannot be perfectly predicted. Sure they watched every nuance of Columbus and his men for most portions of their pastwatching lives, it was their job. But you would think for literary or dramatic effect someone would act totally out of character when presented with a different line of events, showing how chaotic causality is, rather than constant.

The interesting thing is the alternate history in which Columbus is successful in bringing Christianity to the “new world” but also in the process (with the help of an intervening pastwatcher) creating a joint Spanish-Carib empire that embodies all of the Americas and eventually meets with Europe on a similar technological level, immune to most of their deadly diseases, and wanting to live in peace and harmony (mainly due to future influence). It is an interesting thought which makes for a nice story, but a bit unsettling.

Whereas I would love to think of a world that lives in a harmony and unison unlike anything I’d ever dream of, it obviously scares me a bit how because of this alternate history, I could possibly never exist. A selfish thought I know, especially considering how many Taino, Mexica, Mayans, and Incans fell under the boot of Europe. But frightening due to the fact that since causality seems to be so random, the change of events in the past may cause me in the future never to exist. My parents could never meet, if I was actually born I would possibly not have the same childhood experience due to different home locations, I may due to those differences not have the same interests or loves that I do now.

It is all speculation, and until we discover a time machine and start messing around with the past, I’m not really in any danger, but it does make you think about the past and how different things would have been if someone’s horrible mistake had been averted. It allows me to mourn, in the same way Vandierdonck did, for those who were terribly wronged by Columbus and his Successors. The book paints Columbus in a semi-favorable but wavering light: as a man in the service of god and wanting to do his will, however brutally, but also a man of strong character and willing to listen to advice, know the difference between right and wrong, and act with courage and discipline.

It is mainly the fact that the watchers know him so well (as I mentioned before, Columbus=Their Job) and are able to manipulate his actions by acting as emissaries of god, of which he is a total supplicant, and knowing parts of his past which makes him see them as all knowing, that allow them to change the future for the better. A bit of a cheat I must say, but I guess Card was really looking to make the novel fit fewer than 400 pages and felt if he built up the watchers knowledge enough in the beginning he could get away with this type of caveat towards the end.

In the end, it really gives new appreciation for the people of the time and for our place in the present. If only to realize how their suffering brought about what we know and live in today, and serve as a reminder what never to allow again. But unfortunately, there are still people out there who still think that those who are not White are a lesser race, and that Christianity in whatever form needs to be spread, even if it as the expense of others and their freedoms. With any luck, more of those alternative books preaching the truth about the aforementioned brutality will promulgate in high schools across the country to be able to give an unadulterated view of historical fact while kids are still malleable and will understand how wrong racism and the exploitation of others is. There are a millions ways that I could say the same thing, but I think my point, if not proven, has been well illustrated.

I entice you to read this book, or similar one like it that ask the touch questions, an come this October’s Columbus Day, actually take a moment to realize that those people died to propagate this future and the best we can do now is learn from it and promote the truth to our children and any who will listen with an open mind and heart.

~JYH

• 25TH HOUR: White New Yorkers commit crimes against both law and ethics; feel bad for being caught, rather than for doing it at all.
• 300: Gays kill blacks.
• 8 MILE: White man successfully coopts black culture to impress other whites.
• A CIVIL ACTION: Underqualified lawyer doesn’t listen to clients, royally botches case.
• A CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES: Social deviants make life difficult for genius.
• A CRY IN THE DARK: Dogs eat baby, confusion follows.
• ALIEN: Ship fails to deliver cargo, crew don’t get bonus.
• ALIENS: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
• AMADEUS: Man with health problems receives help from rival.
• AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON: Tourist causes riot.
• ATLAS SHRUGGED: Selfish industrialist destroys economy.
• AUNTIE MAME: Spinster exposes child to sexual fetishists, socialists; thwarts marriage to good Republican girl.
• BATMAN: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill.
• BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: Peasant girl develops Stockholm Syndrome.
• BENJI: Family abandons beloved pet, forcing it to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.
• BEOWULF: Colonists hire assassin to drive natives from land.
• BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA: Redneck trucker kills Chinese immigrants.
• BILLY ELLIOT: Union worker turns back on strikers for personal gain.
• BLADE: Obsessed loner stalks minority group.
• BLADE RUNNER: Man with no apparent skill stumbles into escaped robots, fails to kill most, fucks one.
• BLAKE’S 7: Terrorists fight government, die.
• BOOGIE NIGHTS: Deformed boy goaded into life of crime.
• BOTTLE ROCKET: Mentally unstable man fosters friend’s descent into mental instability, finds love.
• BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’S: Pretty redneck girl fools socialites, flirts with gay gigolo.
• BREWSTER’S MILLIONS: Black man abuses line of credit.
• BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: Teenage serial killer destroys town in fit of semi-religious fervor.
• CHANGE OF HABIT: Rock star regrets not looking closer at contract with movie studio.
• CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY: Deranged pedophile big-business industrialist tortures and mutilates young children.
• CHASING AMY: Homosexuality proved to be passing fancy and sign of sexual deviance.
• CHEERS: Alcoholic cuts lime in bar as penance for his womanizing ways.
• CHINATOWN: Father desires closer relationship with his children.
• CHRISTMAS VACATION: Incestuous relatives teach family the meaning of Christmas.
• CLERKS: Aimless loser remains in dead-end job, abusive “friendship.”
• CLOAK AND DAGGER: Spoiled teens discover drugs make them special.
• CONAN THE BARBARIAN: Petty thief murders religious leader.
• CORALINE: Misfit discovers she is special person in a secret world just beside our own.
• CRANK: Drug addict spends last day in orgy of rape and violence.
• CUJO: Family neglects to give family pet rabies shots, pays price.
• DAREDEVIL: Blind man pisses off crime boss, gets all his girl-friends killed.
• DARK KNIGHT RETURNS: Aging sadist corrupts, endangers minor, facilitates murder, destroys superhero comic books for 30 years.
• DEADWOOD: Pimp and rapist charms frontier town into eventual fire-based disaster.
• DEBBIE DOES DALLAS: Cheerleaders develop valuable entrepreneurial skills.
• DEEP THROAT: Medical anomaly earns woman new friends.
• DELIVERANCE: Tourists experience local hospitality.
• DEMOLITION MAN: In a future where crime is completely eradicated, a black man steals and murders.
• DIE HARD: Dysfunctional cop saves marriage by murdering foreign national.
• DIRTY HARRY: Police incompetence allows murderer to go free.
• DOCTOR FAUSTUS: Scholar leans nuances of contract law.
• DOCTOR WHO: Elderly man serially abducts young women.
• DONNIE DARKO: Hallucinating teen crushed by airplane engine.
• DRACULA: Immigrant clashes with locals.
• E.T.: Out-of-control pet causes mayhem, sadness.
• EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE:  Part-time mechanic involves girlfriend in illegal fight club, risks life of best friend and endangered primate.
• FALLING DOWN: Life is difficult for white men.
• FANTASTIC FOUR: Scientist exposes friends, family to dangerous radiation to assuage ego, becomes embroiled in rivalry with former room-mate.
• FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF: Amoral narcissist makes world dance for his amusement.
• FIELD OF DREAMS: Schizophrenic builds ball park, almost kills girl.
• FIGHT CLUB: Deranged sociopath guides yuppies to their deaths.
• FIREFLY: In an analogue of the post-Civil War west, a white man on the losing side bosses around a black woman.
• FRANKENSTEIN: Scientific advancement proves unpopular with general public.
• FREAKS: Acrobat learns value of community.
• SERENITY: Men fight for possession of scantily clad mentally ill teenage girl.
• GHOSTBUSTERS: Unemployed college professors destroy hotel with nuclear weapons.
• GLADIATOR: Convict murders head of state.
• GLENGARRY, GLENN ROSS: Sales job proves difficult for some.
• GONE WITH THE WIND: Rich, white slave owner enjoys getting raped, miscarries.
• GOOD WILL HUNTING: Underemployed genius squanders prestigious job opportunity to chase trim.
• GREEN ARROW: Rich white man with Robin Hood fetish goes vigilante.
• GREEN LANTERN: Policeman beats up his girlfriend.
• GREMLINS: Distant father ruins son’s life, puts entire town at risk.
• GROUNDHOG DAY: Misanthropic creep exploits space/time anomaly to stalk coworker.
• HACKERS: Cybercriminals on revenge kick destroy innumerable jobs.
• HAIR: Hippie dodges draft, dies ironically.
• HALLOWEEN: Babysitter’s relationship with murderer places children in danger.
• HARRY POTTER: Celebrity Jock thinks rules don’t apply to him, is right.
• HE GOT GAME: Escaped convict attempts to embezzle only son.
• HIGHLANDER: Elderly immigrant destroys property.
• IRON MAN: Alcoholic rich white man with technology fetish goes vigilante.
• WAR MACHINE: Alcoholic rich white man gives weapons to black man.
• IT: Children use horrific murders as excuse to run train on young girl.
• JFK: Family man wastes life for nothing in crusade against homosexuals.
• JUDGE DREDD: Fascist thug in bleak dystopia is cheered.
• JUNO: Teen fails to get abortion, ruins lives.
• JURASSIC PARK: Theme park’s grand opening pushed back.
• KARATE KID: Boy gains acceptance through violence.
• KILL BILL: Irresponsible mother wants custody of her child.
• KINDERGARTEN COP: Incompetent left in charge of children, who are eventually fired at by convicted felon.
• KING KONG: Endangered animal stolen, shot.
• KING OF KONG: Dick battles loser over trivia.
• LA CONFIDENTIAL: Rapist joins thug in foiling police corruption scheme.
• LABYRINTH: Girl is negligent baby-sitter.
• LARS AND THE REAL GIRL: Retarded man doesn’t know what sex toy is for.
• LASSIE COME HOME: Family abandons beloved pet, forcing it to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.
• LOLITA: Man encourages step-daughter to take chances.
• LONE WOLF MCQUADE: Alcoholic assaults local businessman, ruins marriage.
• LORD OF THE RINGS: Midget destroys stolen property.
• LOVE ACTUALLY: Prime Minister risks war with United States over a sexy secretary.
• MARLEY AND ME: Out-of-control pet causes mayhem, sadness.
• METROPOLIS: Efficient society undone by unions.
• MICHAEL CLAYTON: Attorney works against client’s interests.
• MILK: Uppity queer dies.
• MIRRORMASK: Misfit discovers she is special person in secret world just beside our own.
• MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL: British comedy troupe inadvertently creates language lab for nerds.
• MULHOLLAND DRIVE: Lesbian relationship is harmful.
• MY GIRL: Boy killed by female friend’s irresponsibility.
• NEVERWHERE: Misfit discovers he is special person in secret world just beside our own.
• O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU: Southern musicians encounter massive flooding and government incompetence.
• OBSERVE AND REPORT: Emotionally disturbed man gets woman drunk, rapes her.
• OCEAN’S ELEVEN: Gang of career criminals commit act of terror to facilitate robbery and romance.
• OF MICE AND MEN: Migrant farmer murders mentally handicapped friend.
• ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST: Disruptive mental patients treated.
• PILLOW TALK: Gay man tricks woman into sex.
• POLTERGEIST: Pot-head parents lose child, ruin property values.
• PREDATOR: American military-industrial complex ruins first contact with alien life.
• PRETTY BABY: Young woman’s modeling career encouraged.
• PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Woman with gold-digging mother nags wealthy man into marriage.
• PYGMALION: Urchin cured by social betters.
• RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK: American yahoo murders soldiers and desecrates religious artifacts for money.
• RAISING ARIZONA: Convicted felon seduces police officer in kidnapping plot.
• RAMBO III: The United States provides arms, equipment and training to the terrorists behind 9/11.
• RATATOUILLE: Vermin infest restaurant until it is forced to close doors.
• RAVENOUS: Coward is seduced by cannibal, destroys army outpost.
• RED DAWN: Despite shock-and-awe tactics, a superior occupying force is no match for a tenacious sect of terrorist insurgents.
• RISKY BUSINESS: Privileged rich kid gets everything he wants with no consequences.
• ROAD HOUSE: Bouncer becomes vigilante, murders local businessman with karate.
• ROBIN HOOD: Disgruntled veteran protests taxes.
• ROBOCOP: Female officer’s incompetence leads partner to be murdered and enslaved by corporation.
• ROCKY: White man beats black man.
• ROSEMARY’S BABY: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
• RUDY: Diminutive athlete patronized.
• RUSHMORE: Teen molests teacher, is expelled. Finds love.
• SCARFACE: Immigrant finds running his own business stressful, dangerous.
• SCHINDLER’S LIST: Wealthy industrialist expands not-for-profit ventures.
• SCOTT PILGRIM: Emotionally immature musician sleeps with high-school girl.
• SE7EN: Homicide detectives unable to prevent even a single murder by admitted serial killer, killer gives cop head.
• SHORT CIRCUIT: Rogue scientist steals top-secret government weapon.
• SIGNS: Jesus trumps science.
• SILENCE OF THE LAMBS: Incompetent manipulated by several murderers, stumbles upon suspect completely by accident. Creates situation that allows serial killer to escape.
• SLEEPY HOLLOW: Veteran harassed.
• SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT: Redneck bootlegger makes mockery of law, sanctity of marriage.
• SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS: Layabout stepdaughter shacks up with seven miners.
• SOPHIE’S CHOICE: Mom loves one of her kids way more than the other one.
• SOUTHLAND TALES: Traumitized vet destroys universe.
• SPIDER-MAN: Nerd gets bitten by spider, complains about how this ruins his life for years to come.
• STARDUST: Misfit discovers he is special person in secret world just beside our own.
• STAR TREK: Over-sexed officer routinely places crew in danger.
• STAR TREK THE MOTION PICTURE: Meglomaniac can’t let go of past glory, drives successor to suicide.
• STAR TREK III: Military officers steal vessel and destroy it to eliminate a handful of enemies while engaged on an extremely vague rescue mission.
• STAR TREK IV: Interplanetary fugitives poach wildlife from a past age to cover up an act of genocide.
• STAR TREK VI: Racist military commander past his prime nearly ruins galactic peace.
• STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE: Religious extremist terrorists destroy government installation, killing thousands.
• STAR WARS: EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: Boy is abused by midget, kisses sister, attempts patricide.
• STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE JEDI: Handicapped mass murderer kills septugenarian, is lauded.
• STRAW DOGS: Immigrant clashes with locals.
• SUPERBAD: Boys plan date-rape, sleep together.
• SUPERMAN RETURNS: Illegal immigrant is deadbeat dad.
• SWEENEY TODD: Businesses flourish when freed from stringent regulation.
• TAXI DRIVER: Modern dating proves challenging for working class man.
• TERMINATOR: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
• TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: Tourists have difficulty with regional cuisine.
• THE CAT FROM OUTER SPACE: College professors help illegal alien evade authorities.
• THE CONVERSATION: Paranoid schizophrenic follows worst possible career path.
• THE CRYING GAME: Hairdresser bonds with client.
• THE EDGE: Men bond in Alaskan wilderness.
• THE EXORCIST: Jesus trumps science.
• THE FIRM: White lawyer learns hard work is irrelevant.
• THE GOLDEN COMPASS: Critique of Catholicism upstaged by polar bear fight.
• THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY: Nameless drifter kills American soldier over stolen money, hangs friend.
• THE GOONIES:  Physically abused, retarded man finds love with overweight preteen.
• THE INCREDIBLE JOURNEY: Family abandons beloved pets, forcing them to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.
• THE MATRIX: Hacker is given perfect justification for mass slaughter.
• THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS: Dangerous insurgent invades neighboring country.
• THE OFFICE: Incompetent boss routinely endangers employees, passes fire-worthy blame, sexually harasses subordinates; is seen as “hero” compared to people who just actually work.
• THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST: Mel Gibson fulfills fantasy of showing a Jew beaten to a bloody pulp and killed on-screen.
• THE PROFESSIONAL: Hired murderer sleeps with little girl.
• THE STEPFORD WIVES: Woman has difficulty adjusting to suburban life.
• THE TAKING OF PELHAM 1 2 3: Civil servant insults and shoots foreigners.
• THE THING: Unexpected visitor imposes on workers, their dogs.
• THE UNTOUCHABLES: Murderer indicted on technicality.
• THE WICKER MAN: Isolated religious community revitalized by newcomer.
• THE X-MEN: Minority group seeks overthrow of social order.
• THERE WILL BE BLOOD: Kidnapper commits murder several times.
• TITANIC: Crazy old widow disregards lifelong memories of husband, children, and grandchildren in favor of that one time she fucked a bum.
• TOP GUN: Pilot routinely endangers Air Traffic Controllers.
• TORCHWOOD: Bisexual is inefficient manager.
• TRAINSPOTTING: Statutory rapist and junkie sifts through human waste, gets enormous sum of money.
• TRANSPORTER: Repressed homosexual kills employers.
• TWILIGHT: Girl gives up college for stalker.
• BREAKING DAWN: Native American guy is romantically obsessed with ex-girlfriend’s baby.
• TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME: Father becomes more involved in teenage daughter’s life.
• V FOR VENDETTA: Dystopian government overthrown by faceless conformity.
• VERTIGO: Stalker drives woman to suicide.
• W.: Unspeakable disaster afflicts America. Then terrorists attack.
• WALL-E: Obsolete robot disrupts big business, disrupts lives of millions of innocent civilians.
• WAR OF THE WORLDS: Immigrants face difficulty acclimating.
• WATCHMEN: Homosexual destroys New York, blames God.
• WEEKEND AT BERNIES: Two employees take advantage of their boss’ hospitality.
• WONDER WOMAN: Princess from isolationist culture lectures Americans on equality.
• WORLD TRADE CENTER: Rag-tag group of underdogs succeed at a massive undertaking despite overwhelming odds, credit success with faith in God.

My recent thought this morning was in the realm of Santa Claus, and how the general public deals with the wonderfully fictitious gentleman. My first question is this, where the hell does all his mail go? As I’m sure most of you non Jewish/early atheist folk partook in was the Christmas List to Santa Claus. You sat down, pencil and paper in hand and roughly scrawled out a string of meaningless platitudes before you got to a laundry list of items which your parents deftly memorized and got you probably 1 or 2 items from the list and wrote the rest of it off as wishful thinking. But my question is where do the letters go?

Back in the “old days” I’m sure that the parental figure helping you write the letter, address it, and get it sealed up surreptitiously removed it from the mailbox before the mailman came and hid it away in the same place that they kept the Santa presents, but nowadays there apparently is an actual address that the postal service asks you to use when sending letters to Santa.

Now my Postal Worker friend Damon can probably answer this question easily for me, but I don’t really undersatnd how this can work, especially where federal law is concerned. Let’s look at this objectively: First of all they address it t a location in Alaska, which is fine if Santa does in fact send an Elf down to pick up his mail bags and then read each list so he can compose his list. But since Santa is a little less fictitious than Fox News, we all know that he has no elves who make the trip to pick up the mail. So what happens to those letters? As we know, it is against FEDERAL LAW to open any mail that is not intended explicitly for you, so the postal carriers cannot open any of the letters, and unless there’s someone on Anchorage’s staff who has legally changed his name there is no way around this fact. And even if the USPS broke the law and opened all those letters, what the hell would they do about it? Laugh about what some poor Latino child wants, or sob about some black kid in the Bronx asking for world peace and for his mother to get better? I mean, I know a postal worker (the aforementioned Damon) and even though he gets paid BANK, I’m pretty sure he can’t afford COMPLETE world peace…maybe some small 3rd world country like Belize or something, but not the entire globe…

Anyway, if they don’t open the mail in accordance with the law, do they just destroy the letters? And if this is the case isn’t it a horrible waste? Wouldn’t they be doing the equivalent of a small deforestation? And I guess they could recycle them, but how much MORE guilt is heaped on the poor postal worker’s shoulders when they get a latter that they have 100% certainty will not make it’s way to a jolly old elf at the top of the world? Seems like a terrible shame: If the kids ever found out they’d be devastated, and the postal workers feel like crap because they are only aiding and abetting in a grandiose lie.

I’m sure that most postal workers love helping out with the illusion, and they are happy they can help some wide eyed brat “get his message to Kris Kringle” but the logistics of it must be a night mare. And what happens if they do read the letters, and they find one akin to the X-Mas lists that Calvin used to write like the one featured above? In this day in age with homeland security, the kid would be lucky to make it to New Years. It used to be that “boys would be boys”, but now if you ask for a projectile weapon you are a “suspected terrorist”. And Calvin’s schizophrenia over his stuffed tiger wouldn’t help his case much either…

Aside from Postal Nightmares during the holidays (isn’t that a double negative? Isn’t the Holidays a general “postal nightmare” the whole time anyway?), my other question for you once believers is this: when was Santa Claus ruined for you? Such as, when did someone or something spill the beans for you that basically illuminated the truth that Santa Claus wasn’t real? I can remember it well for me. I was sitting in 5th grade, at a mere 11 years old, and my teacher flat out told us that Santa Claus wasn’t real. She even wanted us to do some homework on the subject as I recall. As I also recall, she was a horrendous bitch who should burn in hell (or it’s equivalent) forever for ruining a fun part of X-mas for a group of 11 year olds.

What’s even worse is it truly shattered all my past X-mas memories as I looked back on all the times my family tried to make Santa a reality (i.e. at midnight jingling some bells and bellowing HO HO HO after they set out all the “Santa Presents”, or leaving notes from “SC” as well as eating the Cookies and drinking the Milk we left out for him), and promptly ruined all those fond remembrances.

Anyway, merry X-mas to you all, and if you still believe in Santa Claus, remember that everything I’ve said here is absolute bullshit and I am the devil in disguise. For those of you like me who were ruined at an early age, I hope you were smart enough to play your parents to get those extra presents, even though you found them in the closet the week before!

See you in the new year where my resolution is to post to this thing more!

Happy Holidays!

~JYH

"Enjoy beautiful Downtown L.A.!"

I really can’t (well, I can…) believe I haven’t posted to this blog since Star Trek came out way back in March. I’ve been a busy little bee: getting let go from my job, getting on unemployment, failing horrendously at finding a meaningful job in Eugene, and then getting an acting agent. It’s been quite an ordeal, and it is in no way looking up, really.

Recently, I procured myself a trip to LA in which I was supposed to audition for numerous casting directors & agents. I’m on that trip now, and thought it might be worthwhile to illuminate you folks as to what’s goin’ on down here in the melting pot of Los Angeles.

DAY 1

After braving a 5AM wake up call, my friend Jason came to pick me up from my apartment and take me to the airport. We had to leave that early for a 11AM flight, as the roads had begun to ice over in most of western Oregon. Speed skating to our destination (at an ironic 25-45 MPH), I was lucky to arrive with time to spare at PDX, and wait for my filght.

Getting onto the plane was no hassle, and I garnered a window seat for myself with little resistance on the full flight. Though that was a bit marred by the nerdy computer engineer who ended up plopping himself down next to me and zealously intruding into my personal space as well as hogging the armrest. As if it wasn’t bad enough that we’re all crammed like sardines in a tin on Southwest’s flight, he pulls out his laptop and decides to work on some research paper. Mind you this wouldn’t be a problem if he didn’t choose to talk to himself as he did it…with his hands. Look buddy, I’m all for the viability of enhanced thermoconductor wafer construction, but when you nearly slap me in the face trying to flesh out a sentence, maybe just reading a book is in order. So, for the remainder of the flight, I pushed myself so far against the bulkhead I almost felt as if I was trying to jump out the window.

We then landed in Sacramento, with a view that was most assuredly more akin to something out of a post apocalyptic horror film than the Golden State’s capitol. Rainy and numerous shades of muddy brown, the landscape is very telltale of the area and I’m very glad I didn’t have to venture outside of the airport. I almost had to say something to my seat neighbor as we landed, mainly because he was desperately trying to look out the window the whole time we landed and taxied to the Gate. Seriously dude, NOTHING to look at. I recalled a conversation I had with my wife the other day about certain towns being the “armpit” of a state: well I find Sacramento to be high up there on that list of “no redeemable qualities”.

I attempted to deplane, but as we all know that for some reason it takes the 30 people in front of you hours to grab their bags and exit. You’d think with this whole process going on for the last 40 years or so that a) people would have learned to quickly and quietly exit the plane, because once the trip is over you no longer want to be stuck in the metal tube that man (being unable to fly under his own power) was never meant to inhabit in the first place, or b) Airlines would have “gotten the hint” that maybe they should make the center aisle a bit wider so people can egress the fuselage at the same time that people are gathering their bags from the overhead compartments.

After I had aged a year waiting to get off the plane, I was set to hurry up and wait for my next plane which was originally 80 minutes out. Apparently, due to inclement weather, the plane was waylaid to the point where it arrived at the time it was supposed to depart and thus I was thankful that I didn’t have to make a connecting flight at LAX.

The next flight was rather disconcerting.

I didn’t have a seat partner determined to claim what little space we had for himself, but the weather from Sacramento to Los Angeles was quite bad. This caused the plane to have MASSIVE amounts of turbulence. So much so that after the second passenger nearly got drenched with their drink order, they discontinued the beverage service. With the plane nearly dropping out of the sky every 5 minutes, it definitely was indicative of how the rest of the week was looking.

Once at LAX, we were greeted by what seemed to be a rather struggled landing. We had no idea how stuggled it was until the pilot came over the intercome with, “Well…we’re here.” It was responded to with claps, but I think I was more with the scared 2 year old a few rows a head that was bawling uncontrollably. The taxi to the gate took another few years as we undoubtedly had to open each lock in the canal in succession as well as drain the water out of the next one… (bad Panama Canal Joke, sorry)

In the airport, it was chaos. If only because it was raining like any other day in Eugene and these folks had no Idea what it was and were scared because the water didn’t come in a bottle. Swerving throughout the crowd I made my way to baggage claim and grabbed my bags after what seemed to be yet another eternity. My brother Alex, who was my ride, was caught in the morass of traffic outside and nearly got into 3 car accidents trying to navigate to the curb. Even worse that it was raining and native LA people (LAins? LAites? LAer’s?) were acting like scared rabbits, the traffic wasn’t much better off. Glad to see my brother (well, glad to see any friendly face after what was supposed to be a quaint little trip to southern California), we took a quick tour of various points in the city trying to get to a french restaurant at The Grove.

Passing by stores that I knew I’d never be able to buy anything at ever, and ones that I just knew were secretly charging me for just looking at them out the window of the car, we made our way past Rodeo Drive, West Hollywood, and various design and movie production studios. We navigated towards the Grove at what seemed to be speeds in excess of 80 miles an hour on city streets (apparently, you need to be VERY aggressive when driving in LA), and found ourselves some free parking.

The restaurant was what you would expect from a high class LA establishment: the peons get to eat on the first floor for an exorbitant price, and they get teased with the knowledge that there is an upstairs with food that probably is much better, but that you’d need to take out a loan to buy and appetizer with. We were guided to a table towards the back of  the restaurant that of course, after my brother and I commented to one another as to the price of the food, was located directly adjacent to the leaking tin ceiling. Not wanting to push our luck, my brother and I grinned an beared it.

Our food was adequate. I mean don’t get me wrong: we were in a nice french restaurant, and any place that I can get escargot, usually is tops. But in this case the description of the meal far outweighed the actual food itself. Frankly, I was more interested in the conversation as I hadn’t actually seen my brother since January, and it was good to be able to chat with him again face to face. I was nonplussed with the fact that we had an Adam Lambert lookalike as our waiter, and his forgetfulness was a bit agitating.

We trundled ourselves back up once we were finished and emerged back into the tropical misting that LA was trying to pass off as a torrential downpour, then decided to brave the Freeways. Much like that scene in The Empire Strikes Back when the Millennium Falcon enters the asteroid field, we were weaving in and out of traffic dodging bad drivers, and stopping 5 feet shy of rear ending someone. For those of you who think that I drive like a madman, be aware that I have nothing on my brother when he’s in LA.

Arriving at the apartment, it was like a beacon of new amongst a rundown old backdrop. My brother made comment as to its similarities to the less desirable sections of San Jose, and I wholeheartedly agree with him there. Everything has this 1970′s look to it; as if the place was overhauled then, and only certain portions have been updated for functionality but not aesthetics. We dropped off my luggage and went to get food for the week at a local grocery outlet. All I can say about that is that for as much as we complain about food prices in Oregon, the cost of living in Los Angeles is brutal. My brother and I were luck to get away with murder on this front as we got all the deals we could. But just seeing the prices on things that in Oregon that are $2.50 being $6.49 down here, it’s a bit disheartening. The rest of the night was relegated to brief periods of hangouts while Alex was working on finishing his papers for school.

The thing that worries me the most about this whole ordeal is two things: First, that even though I busted my ass trying to get my demo reel/headshot packages sent down here on such short notice, I still only have 2 appointments, as opposed to at least 8. Second, I am coming down here wayyyyy too late in my life, and upsetting the balance that my wife and I have established in Oregon. I want to come down here and be available, but she has a great job in Oregon as well as the fact that she’s now part of a band that she enjoys singing in. Coming to LA is looking like less and less of an option versus 3 years ago, and it’s making me angrier than hell that this as a work trip may be a waste of time. It’s also depressing to see what could be, but is out of reach for me at the moment.

Anyway, hopefully today will improve my outlook, but I doubt it. I might go toodle around in my brother’s car, get into a car wreck. Y’know, the usual.

Til Tomorrow!

~Jay

I’ll say this, the new Star Trek movie is very awesome. I was completely thrilled by what I saw onscreen tonight and thoroughly enjoyed and was immersed in the universe portrayed. The dialogue was true to the characters, there were no major deviations that I considered totally out of line, and for the most part, the story worked. Be warned, spoilers do follow, so if you haven’t seen it, you can’t say I didn’t warn you!

I appreciate the fact that Abrams & Co. stayed as true as they did whilst still injecting  some fresh blood into the movie and allowing us to enjoy seeing new actors portray our favorite time honored characters. I wholly enjoyed the aspects retained, such as the McCoy/Kirk camaraderie as well as the eventual McCoy/Spock loathing (as usual, something almost akin to a very sedate lover’s quarrel). The ability for the crew to interact on a level that was unprecedented in earlier films, also led to better cohesiveness and interaction not seen in the original series. In the original series (here on out referred to as TOS), there definitely seemed to be an “A” cast (mostly comprised of  Shatner, Nimoy, and Kelley portraying Kirk, Spock, and McCoy) and a “B” cast (Mainly Doohan as Scotty, Nichols as Uhura, Takei as Sulu, and Koenig as Chekov).

The B cast was terribly under-utilized during most of TOS, a sad fact that ended up following into most of the movies. Reason being? Well, egos got too inflated and people who were thought to be integral to the film were kowtowed to (I’m looking at you, Denny Crane) thus eliminating a great deal of the B cast’s screen-time. This new film does away with the actors’ egos, and people who are much “bigger” (name-wise) than some of the leads, gracefully take their place alongside, all as equals in this ensemble piece.

This film also has a set pace that never lets up. It’s very frenetic, and never falls prey to overwhelming the audience with too much CGI waste (ala Star Wars) or too much dialogue. Whereas I may not be a complete fan of J.J. Abrams’ filming style (even he himself states that he over used lens flares WAY too much), it never detracted from the film or jarred it to film to a complete stop. No camera tricks to make the action more “real” (the old 40 frames per second trick that became common after Gladiator), nor absurd CGI inserts that could’ve euthanized any real frame of reference that the story was trying to work within.

Designwise, the film was very tight and not distracting at all. The costumes were excellent for an updated version of the 60’s model, and fit in very well with the surroundings, which I will agree with most people in saying that its color palette was based off of Apple Products. It is a much brighter future in Abrams’ 23rd century, and it does justice to the “primary color” future portrayed in TOS at the advent of color TV (which was one of the main reasons for the multiple bright and sometimes garish colors: some people hadn’t made the switch from Black and White sets to color ones).

One major laudable effort I must comment upon, was the work of Karl Urban as Dr. Leonard H. McCoy (or “Bones”, if you’d rather). That man certainly did his homework, and if any of you remember from when they were casting the film, I was pulling for Gary Senise  (and apparently a good deal of fans agreed with me). Sadly, Senise turned it down, and I thought we were “stuck” with Urban. Now, my main frame of reference for his acting chops was The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (which he wasn’t terrible in, but not outstanding either) and Doom (the ill fated film co-starring The Rock that basically eliminated all ties to the video game it was supposedly based upon). I was pleasantly surprised. He had Kelly’s mannerisms down to a T, and his accent, body language and “catchphrases”,  if you will, made me feel as if De Kelly was being channeled on screen.  By all accounts the man should have gotten more screen-time, and it was unfortunate that his involvement wasn’t as intense as De’s used to be in TOS.

I also must note I feel sorry for all the fans of the Enterprise TV show when they find out that Scotty accidentally murdered Admiral Jonathan Archer’s Dog, Porthos. Quite a “fuck you” jab at that show, but funny and sticking with canon nonetheless!

Although, I am enamored with a great deal of the film, being a die hard fan, there is more than a fair share of nitpicking that can be done. I admit there were some things that rubbed me the wrong way, such as the following:

• The promotion of a third year cadet to captain (Kirk had at least 10 years of  training under his belt before becoming captain of the Enterprise) would be like handing a 16 year old with a newly minted learner’s permit the keys to a Formula 1 car and saying, “Here, you’re our lead driver for the Grand Prix”. Sure he may be able to possibly do it, but he hasn’t had the benefit of experience tempering his decisions. It seemed more as if it was a “Oops, let’s find a quick way to make him captain, or the next film won’t work…” move.

• There was little to no formulation of “The Big 3” (Kirk, Spock, & McCoy). Whereas I see how they want to get away from the old series and blaze a new trail for themselves, I think that McCoy should’ve been much more involved to retain that grouping which worked so well.

• There a budding love story between Uhura & Spock that REALLY needs to die a quick death. Rule #1 of starship life: Don’t fuck your crewmates. Plain and simple. Plus, it goes against the grain of Spock’s character. He’s supposed to be a solitary, career minded, pillar of the command staff who needs to come to terms with who he is first before letting someone else share his life. Maybe I’m living too much in old canon, but it seemed forced and out of character for him.

• Towards the end of the film, Kirk delivers an ultimatum to Nero informing him that he can rescue the remaining Romulans from the unsalvageable hulk the Narada (the Romulan ship) has become. Of course, in true Romulan fashion, Nero refuses. Kirk accepts his refusal, but then proceeds to tell Sulu to “Fire everything he’s got” at the Narada and ends up destroying it. WTF??? Where’s the evolved sensibility of the humans of the future? If anything, Kirk should’ve at least attempted to rescue the Romulans, even as unwilling captives. Why? Because that’s what Starfleet fucking does! They are merciful and act in the preservation of life, not revenge or malice! If the Romulans refused rescue and prevented a rescue emergency transport, or killed themselves on the Enterprise Transporter pad with their honor blades, then so be it. But by all accounts Kirk more or less murdered those Romulans, and there is no excuse for it. The space battle looked cool, sure, but the ethics and morals befitting a Starfleet officer flew out the window in that scene but, thankfully, it was towards the end so I didn’t have to feel uncomfortable with “homicidal Kirk” for a majority of the film.

• The phasers just look plain silly. Who the hell’s idea was it to paint them Chrome? They should be shot. (See inset picture)

• Who destroys the planet Vulcan? I mean, really: They won’t even do something that stupid in the books. C’mon, that was retarded.

• The general disregard for certain aspects of canon. Things that didn’t fit Abrams’ vision were summarily thrown out the window. We Trekkers know a very different history than that portrayed on screen in this film, and the willy nilly retconning performed to make aspects of this film work, was a mild itch at the back of my mind. It was as if they were saying, “Hey you know Star Trek: The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager? Well, because of ONE thing that Spock does after all those series ended, THEY NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED. Enjoy our new universe, you canon-worshiping jackholes.” It bothers me that the better part of 25 years of Star Trek is now rendered moot to a whole generation on the whims of  people who felt a “reboot” was necessary. This is always a sore spot, regardless of who makes a film, especially if filmmakers end up retconning their own work. I mean, the apocrypha is there for a reason: use it. It usually makes a far better story anyway.

Beyond such nitpicky things as those (and I’m sure there are quite a few more that I can’t remember at the moment), there are only three other things that bothered me.

The minor thing is the use of ridiculous humor in certain parts of the film. The point where McCoy injects Kirk with a hypospray, and hands swell up to a ridiculous size was just too much for me. I understand the need to amuse the audience, but not at the expense of a character’s integrity (Kirk’s for looking so ridiculous, or McCoy for being portrayed as utterly incompetent). It was a small thing that I found very prevalent throughout the movie, as opposed to taking a serious slant sometimes where it should have been enforced to give a sense of urgency to the film and show us that this was serious business, a good deal of scenes were ended with a laugh or a very Pigs in Space moment. Kinda disappointing coming from Star Trek. Sure, you can call me a curmudgeon and that the Onion’s review was right, but there’s a time for levity and a time for seriousness, and I think it strayed into the former camp a bit too often. Probably to put younger butts in the seats. Meh, I frankly like my discussions about intergalactic politics and how they affect the quadrant. That’s what the franchise is about, and has always been about. Dealing with real life issues in a futuristic medium. So sue me if what I think is interesting, you find boring.

A more major issue I have is with Eric Bana. He was my “Malin Ackerman” for this movie. I made a comment to a friend during the film: “This movie only reinforces my belief that Eric Bana is a terrible actor”. Which I believe is totally justified. Most Romulans are of a regal bearing, honorable creatures that think highly of themselves as a species and proceed as if everyone else should think the same. None of this was seen in Bana’s performance. Whereas his character, Nero, is supposed to be from a lower class and was originally a space ore miner, his presence and the way in which he was presented to the audience was less than stellar. I also don’t understand why he went with an American accent either. It was so poorly emphasized, different emotions were conveyed when even speaking the most basic phrases. Mocking congeniality when supposed to be sinister, pensiveness when supposed to be fuming rage, and the list goes on. I can think of a whole host of actors that could’ve portrayed Nero with much more gusto, would’ve been much more sinister, and would’ve made the bad guy the key antagonist, rather than clashing personalities of the Enterprise crew which usurped Bana as “key villain” in the film.  I also fault the scriptwriters for not fleshing out the back story well enough. Sure, there was the Star Trek: Countdown comic released months before the movie, but I can see how some people might be understandably confused about Nero’s presence, Spock’s little bit of Time Travel, and the creation of this whole alternate universe if they hadn’t read it beforehand. Background Exposition was definitely something that needed to be illuminated far more, or else there’s no reason or motive behind anything Nero does, so we don’t really see why he’s the villain. I wish he would’ve been more tragic, frankly. The film briefly touched on how he could’ve been portrayed that way when he mentions how his wife and child were killed when Romulus was destroyed in the future, but it was almost thrown in as an afterthought. If it was his real driving force, and it permeated his character, we’d empathize more with him and find him convincing. Alas, there was no such development, and for it I blame Bana and the fact that he didn’t work more with the writers to make his character more three dimensional.

Lastly, I am non-plussed by how this movie’s script was so generic that it didn’t need to be Star Trek, it could’ve had any other name on it and it would’ve been a passable film on its own. Now maybe that allows more people to enjoy the film, but it almost seems as if there was some Space Opera script floating around Hollywood that somebody decided to add a few familiar characters and facts, and slap the name Star Trek on it. I guess I shouldn’t expect too much from Orci & Kurtzman (they did pen Michael Bay’s ridiculous 2007 Transformers, after all), but from their many protestations of how close they were sticking to cannon, I did expect more from them. Again, proving the Onion’s review a bit true, there wasn’t as much of the spirit of Star Trek that I hoped for in this film. There wasn’t as much “exploring strange new worlds” or “seeking out new life forms and new civilizations” as there was “Let’s blow shit up with phasers and get into a whole bunch of fist fights”. There was a whole generation of people that grew up to be scientists, astronauts, college professors, and academics because of TOS and its message of a better humanity through wisdom, whereas if they would’ve seen this Trek back then it wouldn’t have had quite the same kind of impact. It would’ve been just another space shoot em’ up. And that makes me a bit sad. The movie is a fun romp, I’ll admit that, but the message of Star Trek was a bit lost in the muddle, I think.

All in all, I would highly recommend going and seeing Star Trek if you haven’t by the time you read this. By all accounts it’s an excellent film, and unless you’re a purist like me, those issues I bulleted won’t bother you at all (except for “Kirk the Murderer”, that’s just completely out of character and out of line). Here’s hoping it’ll do well enough to light a few new everlasting fires for Trek, and keep it’s torch burning for at least another 40 years.

~JYH

We all wanted it to be brilliant.  We all wanted it to blow away the past summer blockbusters based upon special effects, show that the fantastic story could be embodied on screen and do the book justice…

We were wrong.

Before I continue any further, this post will be so utterly spoiler laden, that if you were to read this with the expectation of it being a clean post, your head would explode from the sheer amount of detail I will go into here. You’ve been warned (Not like I think anyone reading this blog hasn’t read it / seen it anyway). Let us begin.

All I have to say is that disappointment abounded from when I first began to observe what was shaping up around me to be the main through line. The very brutal beginning of the story that was to be quick and dirty, was doled out into a extremely too long scene where we might as well have had both the parties involved (Edward Blake & Adrian Veidt) return to their respective corners after the round bell was rung by the ref. This really set the tone for what the combat was going to be shown as for the next 3 hours: 300-esque slo-mo wire-fu. As I had feared, the beginning was a herald of what was to come.

After that there are so many things I took umbrage with, that I wish I could go by the timecode and nitpick each of the issues, but that seems too petty. I’ll give a general overview with what I think are the most egregious offenses of the film, and allow the other things to fall by the wayside as things that just couldn’t be fit in or were done at the behest of the Evil Overlord that is the Studio Executive.

My main complaint about the movie is that if you are going to do a story that is based around heavy character development and exposition, you better have some goddamned good actors to be able to perform that task. The film blew this one 5 minutes out the gate. I’ve always been a strong proponent of featuring unknowns in major films, as it gets us non-name brand actors (“name brand” meaning actors like Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Will Smith, Angelina Jolie, etc.) work in things that could make our careers. Watchmen was an exercise in that failing so miserably I’m almost rethinking that whole concept. Whereas I still think it’s a good Idea to give new talent that may be more suited to the role an opportunity to shine, there are instances where there may be a damn good reason why certain actors persist in remaining as “unknowns”. They’re just…not very good. Or at least not good enough to be noticed by the mainstream.

The prime offender of this in the film is Malin Ackerman, the “actress” portraying Laurie Juspeczyk, or the “Silk Spectre”. She had to have the been one of

Hired for her "Talent"...

the most godawful, unwatchable parts of the movie. Problem is though that she is nearly 1/5th of the fuckin’ movie. I hope whichever casting director she banged to get the job is pleased with themselves, because he nearly singlehandedly destroyed this film by allowing her on set.

Ackerman (better known as the hoary nympho wife of Freakshow in Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle) has very little in the way of acting skill, and is very persistent in showing that to the audience whenever on screen. The only talent that she really has is shown in the scene where she bangs Dan Drieberg in Archimedies, the vehicle of his superhero alter-ego, Nite Owl. Her whiny, emotionally flat delivery gave me a headache, and to get a headache every 15 minutes throughout a film is a huge red flag.

Laurie Juspeczyk, in the graphic novel, is supposed to be a firebrand with a devil may care attitude. If you piss her off, she will tell you so, and give you a very colorful piece of her mind afterward. She is a tragic character because she is angry all the time. Angry at her mother. Angry at the world. Angry at herself. But not one iota of that comes through in Ackerman’s performance. When Laurie leaves Dr. Manhattan (AKA Jon Osterman) after she catches him working while a doppelganger he created of himself makes love to her in another room, she is supposed to be so hurt, ashamed, and angry that she rails at him about how he’s disconnected himself from humanity, and how she is less important than his work before finally realizing that no amount of yelling is gonna get through to him, so she ends up leaving.

And this is after it’s already been shown that her and Jon’s relationship is very tenuous and that things seem to have been going more and more downhill as Jon drifts further and further away from any link to humanity. In the film, Dr. Manhattan, as played by Billy Crudup, does his job of showing his disinterest in the affairs of man, but Ackerman does nothing to show any type of rage against his ambivalence to her or the world. She just reads the notes off the cards and says without even a hint of resignation, “Jon, I’m leaving you”. And the previous “fight” they had about his disassociation moments before was little more than a light chastisement; I’ve had harsher fights with my cat, and he can’t even talk back to me. And she only gets worse. It’s not bad enough that it was placed squarely on her shoulders that she had to carry a hefty portion of the film, its even worse that she’s not the only offender in this film.

...dude, I played Richard the III. Why did I agree to this?!

Matthew Goode playing Adrian Veidt (AKA Ozymandias) is nearly the male version of Malin Ackerman, in terms of terrible acting chops. Granted he seems like he could be a really good actor, probably classically trained at RADA like all the other limeys lucky enough to be born in England, but playing his role, he seems as if he just doesn’t give a shit. it’s bad enough that when he does decide to act that he is so slimy that all he needs to do is have a mustache and twirl it like Snidely Whiplash to make his metaphorical neon sign blazing “HEY, I’M THE BAD GUY FUCKTARDS!” to be be complete.

How can I say this…YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW HE’S BEHIND IT YOU GODDAMN MOVIE RUINING HACKS. If anything he should seem just as innocent as the rest of the superheroes, in just as much danger as everyone else. At the end of the story when it finally dawns on you that he is behind it all, it’s supposed to be a huge mind-fuck. Now, maybe I’m stupid. Maybe you saw it coming from the very first panel in the graphic novel. Good for you. You’re goddamn Sherlock Holmes reincarnated. Congratulations. But, for most of us, it was supposed to be something so incredulous that we didn’t want it to be true. But from the first second that you see Goode as Veidt on screen, you just know that he’s gonna be the person to pull that crazy trigger and go all AWOL on the heroes even if you don’t know the ending (which, yes, I will eventually get to: Don’t skip ahead). And if he can’t keep from doing that, and act like a hero, because that’s how the character actually views himself, then you do 1 of 2 things: a)get a new fucking actor, b) swat the director across the nose with a newspaper and threaten to sodomize him with it unless he stops treating the dramatic throughline like a middle school remake of The Sixth Sense.

That’s another thing. Zack Snyder definitely has his shit together on how things should look design-wise, and how things should be framed to flow from shot to shot in a film. But hell, he didn’t really deviate from the comic much, so about 85% of his work is done for him already. I could get a monkey to fuckin’ do that. What the director really needs to bring to the table in this circumstance is the ability to coax from the actors the best performances that they can provide so that the audience doesn’t throw their hands up and say “fuck it” 15 minutes after the opening credits. Snyder either couldn’t deliver on that, or was unable to because some of the actors were completely incapable.

It’s my honest opinion why some great performances came out of 300 was because most of the actors in that film are just really damned good. They were also mostly British, so that helped. It lent a sort of credence to most of their vibrant monologues detailing death, war, and victory. But in Watchmen, the acting needs to be more subtle, understated but still very meaty. A good deal of the time the actors seemed to be delivering dialogue just because they were told to not because they have an emotional investment in the character’s arc. And as we’ve seen from the Star Wars prequels, that’s not something that can always be the fault of the actor. Seriously. When actors have good directors, that evokes emotions that color the characters for the audiences benefit which makes it much more interesting and easier to be able to empathize and care about what you’re seeing unfold in front of you.

But Snyder wasn’t exactly directing epically complex films prior to his last two. His last claim to fame?

Dawn of the Dead. The Remake. You do the math.

But not all the acting was abominable. Jackie Earle Hailey as Rorschach nearly saved the fucking film every single time he showed up, and stole the whole

"Not even I could save this from itself..."

show when he pleads with Dr. Manhattan to finally kill him at the end. Though I have an issue with that as well. I don’t think that that scene should have been able to do that. After the previous two and a half hours of celluloid and that steals the show? That should be the film’s epitaph right there. Nothing against Hailey as he was consistently brilliant throughout, but if that’s the best part of the film after 90% of the film is finished, something else has gone horribly wrong somewhere earlier down the line…

I also have to give praise to Crudup for his performance as Jon. He was very moving as a disassociated being grander than what was going on around him but still drug down to the lower depths of humanity by some outmoded obligation that his essence was no longer concerned with. I did though always expect him to end each of his monologues with the phrases “Priceless” and “for everything else there’s MasterCard”. Unfortunate side effect of having a recognizable voice, I’m afraid. But his performance was commendable nonetheless.

Aside from my issues with the acting (which I feel is the main thing that I’m qualified to critique as it is my livelihood and background), there were a few (okay, numerous) story issues I had with the film. And no not stupid shit like, “why didn’t they include the B story with the newspaper vendor, comic book kid, the Topknots, and the people on the street”. I know that there was limited time to work with and only certain things could be included, and the most obvious thing to be excised was that B story. I get that. But there were sections that were included that seemed to be be included “just because” and had no impetus behind them, any type of resolution, or were just poorly executed.

Going from least egregious to worst, I’ll start with the over inclusion of the Nixon character. Nixon, in the story, is only a tertiary character at best. He’s shown as little more than a silhouette whenever he does show up and he truly is just a background character that holds the keys to the apocalypse that Veidt is in the process of averting. Tricky Dick’s legacy permeates the universe of Watchmen, but it’s only to show how bad things could have gotten had his terms in office been allowed to have been expanded from 2/3rds to a full 4. He really added nothing to the film outside of some comic relief of seeing a lookalike in a bad nose prosthetic and jowls. Really unnecessary.

I also intensely disliked how they played up the violence of certain sections just so we could be reminded that “Hey, the guy directing this is the same guy that directed 300! Remember that carnage? Here’s more of the same!” Another unnecessary additive that was chosen in favor of sacrificing something that possibly could have been important, like character development.

I will mention this once more and let it be: The scene in Archemedies when Dan is having sex with Laurie was 10 times longer than it needed to be and was only filmed because Ackerman was willing to debase herself because some studio exec said, “Can we show her boobs? I think it’ll get more idiots in the seats. Lets show her boobs.” it was cheap, it was wholly worthless, and purveyed in a wholly wrong way than it was in the book which in turn detracted from the film’s credibility.

Lastly, I’d like to lay down the blanket statement that I found more or less the last 30 minute of the film unsatisfying. And this is mainly for 2 reasons (and a few nitpicky smaller ones), Ozymandias was unpunished at the end and, of course, the lack of a certain colossal sized cephalopod.

The issue with Ozymandias I have is that after he’s committed his dirty deed, no one can of course expose him so they just have to leave him alone keeping his secret to enable world peace. But, even though he has one…ONE line about how he felt each and every person’s death he caused (yeah right…), you never see him really get any comeuppance or punishment in the film. His character just kind of…ends. Poorly.

In the book he, being the smartest man in the world, seeks validation and justification in what he has done as being the best and only answer to unite the world in harmony, from the only being on earth that possesses greater intellect than him: Dr. Manhattan. But by the point that he seeks it, Jon no longer views the affairs of humans as his own. He has all but checked out of the human race and won’t give Veidt any validation for his actions which is the worst kind of punishment for Adrian. He needed to know that his solution to the gordian knot that was his world was the only solution, as well as the right one. And since Jon won’t (or honestly can’t) give that to him, he will forever be tortured by millions of “what ifs”; forever trying to ascertain if he was right in what he did, but will never know. This was something that was very simple that could have been added in (had they bothered to truly develop his character, rather than just let him be a two dimensional “comic book villain” which he claims not to be), but for some reason was left out, in turn leaving Veidt’s personal demons highly absent and any type of audience closure with his character largely unresolved.

Lastly, lets talk about the damned squid. Why the fuck they decided to leave it out, I’ll never know. I heard claims that it was too hokey, but obviously whoever made that judgment call didn’t see the costumes for the heroes from the ‘40s Minutemen in the film. Hooded Justice’s costume was one of the most ridiculous, cosplay-esque things I’ve seen in a film. Sure it was true to the book, but dude, there’s a limit. If you’re going to go that far, then go the fuckin’ full monty and don’t pull the squid from the climax.

There was a lot of back and forth as to the fact that they couldn’t do the squid if they didn’t include the B-story with the missing Author who also wrote the Black Freighter Comic that was woven throughout the story, as well as the missing Psychic, Artist, etc. that all contributed to the creation of it. And all I have to say is this: Fuck you Warner Brothers. You didn’t try very hard.

Who the hell says that you have to have it cannon perfect or not at all? If the ending was going to be changed anyway, and you weren’t going to hold up the integrity of the literature, then just change the reasoning for the squid. Make it something like Veidt and Manhattan were trying to toy with genetic alteration to make humans invulnerable to nuclear fallout or something, which in the process allows Veidt to create something wholly alien to this world and using his team of researchers that he killed anyway to create the psychic blast that kills 15% of the worlds population (including most of New York) and puts terrible visions into the heads of psychics the world over. You don’t need tons of exposition for that, and the genetic abomination is innocuous enough for it to end up being a mind-fuck for the folks who wouldn’t see it coming. It’s not cheap and insulting to the audience, and if you’re worried about hokey I’d take a long look at other parts of the movie before labeling that as a huge problem point. It was just disappointing because of the fact that this was exactly the type of crap we were expecting from Warner Brothers, but were then assured by Snyder that he would fight for the books integrity, when in the end he fulfilled our expectations for us all to be let down and for the source material to be fucked because the execs think they’re smarter than Allan Moore.

And for anyone who says, “but when I read the book originally, I even thought the Squid was ridiculous”, I’ll answer with “That’s the point, dumbass.” Why do you think that the Comedian is so upset about the fact that he saw something that was so ridiculous that he went to Moloch’s and wept like a baby? He’s terrified because he saw the final punchline of the joke that was the end of his world. And the punchline contained a giant squid. It’s ironic. Simple. And I think because of the fact that it wasn’t a giant squid (which is so ridiculous on its own), the Comedian’s breakdown at Moloch’s loses a lot of it’s oomph and credibility. In the end it lacks sense. One could argue that it works whether with the squid or with the bomb carrying Jon’s energy signature (which sounds like bad Star Trek: The Next Generation technobabble. There are no tricorders or Mark IX sensors in 1985, so I find it hard to believe that they could find out it was Jon so expediently… outside of the fact that it was “in the script”). But I think the fact that the Comedian views it as a bad joke lends itself more to the giant squid ending than the Jon bomb one. It just seemed to over protective of an audience that wouldn’t have cared wither way since they were still reeling so hard form Malin Ackerman’s bad acting (god, I hate that woman). I just wish that Snyder hadn’t lied to us from the get go (or capitulated eventually with the studio), just to get the fanboys on board. That just makes us not want to trust you, Zack. What credibility you had left is on the cutting room floor, and they only way you can redeem yourself is do re-shoots or use alternate takes for the Über Directors Cut Blu-Ray Version to include a squid and maybe a few scenes where Ackerman shows more emotion than Hayden Christensen in Attack of the Clones.

The film nearly ended up like this WITHOUT any help from the studio...

Most of my other issues with the film are minor fanboy things that don’t really merit mention here as they were choices that I personally would’ve done differently. But If you really want to know, I might reply them to you in the comments.

All in all, the film ended up a mildly evil attempt to get fanboys to shell out their hard earned money in this shitty economy for a seat one of the largely anticipated comic films of all time only to do a half-assed job in its execution with a few high points, but largely missing it’s own point.

Personally, I’m surprised that there weren’t reports of more fanboy riots. Fuckers are going soft…

~JYH

PS: Whereas I highly respect Wil Wheaton, I find in retrospect that his spoiler-free review of the film was very dubious. As an actor, I think that Wil should’ve known better an be more disgusted by certain actors performances and not have  settled for the  pale imitation of an ending they sleepwalked through. C’mon Wil, I know we have waited so long we didn’t want to bash it too hard, but these are GLARING issues. All that aside though, Wil Wheaton is a great guy who I would have over with his family for dinner anytime and would love to play D&D with. Make sure to follow him on Twitter if you use it, and make sure to add me as well!

So I go in with the expectation that a) I’ve got Strep throat, and that’s why my throat hurts so bad, and b) I’m gonna need to get some antibiotic to deal with the crap. It actually ends up that I just have a very persistent Virus, and the doc would proscribe something for the pain. When the doc left, I figure that he’d come back with some prescription strength Tylenol, or at least  a minor analgesic. Nothing doing.

Guy comes back with a Vicodin prescription. Essentially, swatting a mosquito with a bazooka.

I thought it was a clerical error , but truth is they thought it was best for my situation, so that I could get some rest. Anway, I end up going home, and around 6:20, before I’m about to pop my first pill and float off into Never Never Land while watching Pink Floyd’s The Wall, I get a phone call from my boss. I have Jersey (my wife) answer it because my voice suck right now and I don’t want to have a lengthy conversation if I can avoid it.

She starts becoming excited and incredulous over the phone, and ends up giving me the phone because I “HAVE TO HEAR THIS”…I thought that I was in trouble, or something.  But what I heard was something out of a movie…

Apparently, some customer at the store today, drove up and then THROUGH THE STOREFRONT, TAKING OUT THE SALES COUNTER, AND DESTROYING THE LARGE COMPUTER DISPLAY TABLE!!! Some old guy in a Chevy malibu rammed his car through our front door, and didn’t stop until after he nearly killed a customer and 2 employees. Thankfully, I was not there, but why does this kind of shit alway happen when I’m gone? I’m sure this was one of those “Best for me not to be there so I had no chance of being hurt” types of things, but how ridiculous would it have been to see it in person? Espcially from my perfect vantage point of looking directly at the front door? Crazy. Anyway, for those of you who think I speak lies, or want to see proof, well here’s the pudding.

Enjoy.

EDIT: My corporate higher-ups asked if I would take down the footage. So, if you want to see a car crashing into the mac store, I’m sure you can find it in the other 500 places it’s been posted online. Sorry, would rather not lose my job over something like this.

]]> http://jyhash.wordpress.com/2009/02/27/the-things-that-happen-when-i-am-gone-for-a-day/feed/ 3 Jay http://jyhash.wordpress.com/2009/02/21/well-apparently-my-career-isnt-in-shambles-yet/ http://jyhash.wordpress.com/2009/02/21/well-apparently-my-career-isnt-in-shambles-yet/#comments Sat, 21 Feb 2009 23:45:06 +0000 jyhash http://jyhash.wordpress.com/?p=45 ]]> So, surfing around the internet, I decided to look up one of what I thought was a failed endeavour of mine that I partook in this past September. As some of you may recall, I was cast as a couple of voices in a homegrown animated short film called “Conservative Ninjas”. I ended up garnering 2 roles: Patches, the crazy piratesque leader of a grunge type anarchist group, and Hawk, a no-holds barred Cockney punk bloke who loved to beat on people with his forehead. I recorded both roles in one afternoon, in a rather makeshift setting, and was paid handsomely for my time…but never really heard anything more about it. Granted this was a labor of love for the Producer/Director, and if you’re the only one working on an animated film, that can be a time consuming project.

Either way, I hadn’t heard very much before around X-mas, when I got a quickie message from the director saying that there was a short clip of the film online. This is what  was sent:

So the film was getting worked on! From there I moved on to other things at work, and fell into that whole case of “I suck as an artist” funk. But lo and behold, I was saved from the depths of artistic despair by a chance gig working on a new TV Pilot.

Last week I was called in to do the “50′s Announcer” Voice and the “Don LaFontaine” Voice for the new TV Show “Graveyard Carz”. Essentially it’s a similar to what “Monster Garage” was, kinda like “Pimp My Ride”, and (being the only similarity I can draw between the two ) a reality show about vehicles like “American Chopper”. The gist of the show is that they’re taking a completely wrecked 1971 Plymouth Barracuda and restoring it to it’s factory floor condition. Pretty neat stuff. I don’t have any clips of that yet, but rest assured once they get it edited together, I’ll be posting what I can.

Then today, kind of sated a bit in terms of creativity and artistic bent ( oh who am I kidding, I’m never satisfied artistically…), I found that a new clip was completed for the “Conservative Ninjas” film:

It looks like there at least is some forward momentum on the projects I get hired on. Also, another bit of good news, the short film that I acted in over the summer is supposedly near to completion itself. Once that’s finished, I’ll make sure and post it on my blog with permission from the Director.  So hopefully, my career isn’t totally down the tubes but time will tell and hopefully something will happen in the near future that’ll allow me to be in a place where the acting jobs are plentiful and the casting directors willing.

And as usual, if you have any contacts you can send my way, I’d be more than happy to return the favor!

~JYH

What Have I done???

I feel the need to repost here concerning the prior post that upon second reading seemed like I inferred that no one wants to talk to me any more and that there are certian people out there that are negligent in calling me. That surely was not my intent.

I was attempting to overblow a situation to make a comment on the state of communication as a whole in our society today, not a slam against my friends and blog readers for not keeping in touch. Obviously attempting to use sarcasm, and faux chastisement, to put forward my opinion failed miserably and upon second reading, I realize there are some examples and wording that could’ve been taken personally by some, and I am most definitely contrite in saying that I should have edited more throughly.

So, there’s only so many ways to say it: SORRY FOLKS! My Bad. Wont happen again. Please realize that this blog is just getting it’s legs and whereas in the past I’ve posted personal perpectives on my life, I’m trying to go for a broader range now, and the next subject I hope will not be so caustic amongst the people I care about.

That being said, please continue to visit the blog. Please! It can only go uphill from here and I’m really trying to start somehting worthwhile.

Thanks for your continued (reader/friend)ship.

~JYH

I am slowly appraching the arrival of this message...

I’ve recently be questioning myself about something: Why do I bother having a phone anymore? I never get any important phone calls, and even fewer unexpected ones. I don’t know if it’s that I’m not worth talking to or that people would rather just not talk to me by other electronic communication means, but for my cellphone plan? A frakkin’ joke.

If you were to look at my cellphone bill (which I’d be more than happy to thrust in your lap if you decided you’d like to contribute to its payment), you’d see that the bulk of what is used for my phone is SMS and e-Mail with some net browsing thrown into the mix. And the minutes, not only would have more rollover minutes that I actually used that month, but there is no plan LOW enough for me to switch to on AT&T!

My call log basically tracks the majority of the very few calls to 3 numbers (it used to be 4, but she’s fallen off the face of the earth…long story): My wife, My parents, and my friend Vlad. And the only reason I receive any calls from Vlad is because one of the evil voices in his head cries out “ANATHEMA!” whenever he considers a text message plan then soothes him with visions of boobs when he rejects it (Too Much?).

Is it just me that’s undesirable to talk to, or has verbal communication over long distances become so passe that it no longer is considered a formal means of communication?

As an actor the lack of verbal communication is abhorrent to me for 2 reasons: First and foremost, as a purveyor of conveying the written word, I find that being loquacious is a great part of social interaction, and I’m meaning more than a lengthy blog post about why no one talks to one another anymore. It is enjoyable to have wordplay that must be sufficed on the spot impromptu style, rather than going through numerous revisions and edits to get the wording right be cause you can’t seem to convey the perfect level of sarcasm in your quickie text. That’s like looking up the word redundant and it says “SEE REDUNDANT”. If you can talk to some one, why not do so, rather than spending gross amounts of time trying to write what in 2 seconds you could say? Are you that afraid of contact? Have confrontation issues? Are more gutsy in the written letter than you are in person? It’s a trend that I’m not liking the proliferation of in the human interaction scene.

And my second reason is simple: I have a big ego. I want people to call me, enabling me to feel wanted and that they had to get their ‘me-fix’ by calling and engaging me in conversation. It raises one’s self esteem greatly if someone calls with no ulterior motive; just to talk. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve NEVER received that call…except for my mother, and of course she doesn’t count. Everybody always is wanting something, and usually the phone call is a last resort beyond texting or e-mailing; it’s only used to really get your point across.

Some people may respond that having a phone is integral to one’s life, and that a person would be lost without it. Not me, I’d reply. Here’s why: I have a phone at my desk at work that the company pays for, complete with general answering machine. When I get home I have my computer up on Twitter and can send SMS for free via internet to anyone in my Mac’s Address Book. And they can respond to my SMS because anyone who has SMS has e-mail capabilities and it’s just as easy to compose an e-mail as it is to type a quickie SMS. And any other time I most likely don’t want to be disturbed anyhow (kinda flaws my second argument above pertaining to my ego, I know), so lack of contact isn’t an issue there.I could totally get by without having to pay the however many of hundreds of dollars a month for my phone plan, save for the fact that I do have a really kick ass iPhone.

Talking on the phone, whereas annoying in small quiet restaurants, is a dying art form it seems. People are more concerned with their 140 character sound-bites on twitter and then turn around an complain about the fact that they only have 140 characters yo use when they could have used a service not encumbered by arbitrary rules of brevity. I imagine that we will eventually phase out the phone for something akin to twitter, but I’m not quite sure what yet. But it’s coming, and it will judge us luddite phone users harshly like the right hand of whatever god you believe in (or mock).

I guess the real point of this post is this: It’d be nice if you called me every once in awhile. I know you’re busy, but it’s nice to talk to you and it makes me feel wanted. So if you can find the time, drop me a line.

I’ll make sure it hits voicemail and I’ll text you back later.

~JYH