Christmas Questions…

So, it’s yet another X-mas and my brain tends to wander to strange places when I’m in the shower, or when I’ve had too much to drink trying to drown out the screams and passive aggressiveness going on between my family members…

My recent thought this morning was in the realm of Santa Claus, and how the general public deals with the wonderfully fictitious gentleman. My first question is this, where the hell does all his mail go? As I’m sure most of you non Jewish/early atheist folk partook in was the Christmas List to Santa Claus. You sat down, pencil and paper in hand and roughly scrawled out a string of meaningless platitudes before you got to a laundry list of items which your parents deftly memorized and got you probably 1 or 2 items from the list and wrote the rest of it off as wishful thinking. But my question is where do the letters go?

Back in the “old days” I’m sure that the parental figure helping you write the letter, address it, and get it sealed up surreptitiously removed it from the mailbox before the mailman came and hid it away in the same place that they kept the Santa presents, but nowadays there apparently is an actual address that the postal service asks you to use when sending letters to Santa.

Now my Postal Worker friend Damon can probably answer this question easily for me, but I don’t really undersatnd how this can work, especially where federal law is concerned. Let’s look at this objectively: First of all they address it t a location in Alaska, which is fine if Santa does in fact send an Elf down to pick up his mail bags and then read each list so he can compose his list. But since Santa is a little less fictitious than Fox News, we all know that he has no elves who make the trip to pick up the mail. So what happens to those letters? As we know, it is against FEDERAL LAW to open any mail that is not intended explicitly for you, so the postal carriers cannot open any of the letters, and unless there’s someone on Anchorage’s staff who has legally changed his name there is no way around this fact. And even if the USPS broke the law and opened all those letters, what the hell would they do about it? Laugh about what some poor Latino child wants, or sob about some black kid in the Bronx asking for world peace and for his mother to get better? I mean, I know a postal worker (the aforementioned Damon) and even though he gets paid BANK, I’m pretty sure he can’t afford COMPLETE world peace…maybe some small 3rd world country like Belize or something, but not the entire globe…

Anyway, if they don’t open the mail in accordance with the law, do they just destroy the letters? And if this is the case isn’t it a horrible waste? Wouldn’t they be doing the equivalent of a small deforestation? And I guess they could recycle them, but how much MORE guilt is heaped on the poor postal worker’s shoulders when they get a latter that they have 100% certainty will not make it’s way to a jolly old elf at the top of the world? Seems like a terrible shame: If the kids ever found out they’d be devastated, and the postal workers feel like crap because they are only aiding and abetting in a grandiose lie.

I’m sure that most postal workers love helping out with the illusion, and they are happy they can help some wide eyed brat “get his message to Kris Kringle” but the logistics of it must be a night mare. And what happens if they do read the letters, and they find one akin to the X-Mas lists that Calvin used to write like the one featured above? In this day in age with homeland security, the kid would be lucky to make it to New Years. It used to be that “boys would be boys”, but now if you ask for a projectile weapon you are a “suspected terrorist”. And Calvin’s schizophrenia over his stuffed tiger wouldn’t help his case much either…

Aside from Postal Nightmares during the holidays (isn’t that a double negative? Isn’t the Holidays a general “postal nightmare” the whole time anyway?), my other question for you once believers is this: when was Santa Claus ruined for you? Such as, when did someone or something spill the beans for you that basically illuminated the truth that Santa Claus wasn’t real? I can remember it well for me. I was sitting in 5th grade, at a mere 11 years old, and my teacher flat out told us that Santa Claus wasn’t real. She even wanted us to do some homework on the subject as I recall. As I also recall, she was a horrendous bitch who should burn in hell (or it’s equivalent) forever for ruining a fun part of X-mas for a group of 11 year olds.

What’s even worse is it truly shattered all my past X-mas memories as I looked back on all the times my family tried to make Santa a reality (i.e. at midnight jingling some bells and bellowing HO HO HO after they set out all the “Santa Presents”, or leaving notes from “SC” as well as eating the Cookies and drinking the Milk we left out for him), and promptly ruined all those fond remembrances.

Anyway, merry X-mas to you all, and if you still believe in Santa Claus, remember that everything I’ve said here is absolute bullshit and I am the devil in disguise. For those of you like me who were ruined at an early age, I hope you were smart enough to play your parents to get those extra presents, even though you found them in the closet the week before!

See you in the new year where my resolution is to post to this thing more!

Happy Holidays!

~JYH

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~ by jyhash on December 25, 2009.

2 Responses to “Christmas Questions…”

  1. Interesting post & merry xmas. I’d like to know your comments on the Muslim viewpoint on Christmas, which I have blogged about today. Please visit and comment:
    http://KashifShahzada.WordPress.com

  2. Actually, Mr. Hash, the Post Office in North Pole, Alaska is fully authorized by the USPS to open said Santa mail, read it diligently, and respond with a ‘hand-written’ letter from the Santa crew, complete with mentioning the child’s name, wishes, and such. The postal law is flexible with regards to fictional characters, especially where children are concerned. Hell, last year I took it upon myself to open a “Santa” letter from one of my customers (since there was no address to ship it to) … I went out of my way to purchase a nice gift for said child (something she could do with her sister, is what she wanted … so it was a beaded jewelry kit), wrap it up, and leave it on their doorstep Xmas eve with a hand-written letter from Mrs. Claus. I may not be a believer, but children’s illusions should be encouraged and protected … and I’m glad I did my part.

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