Suffering from a recent case of “You Suck”….
Lately, I’ve been plagued with the aforementioned malady. Being someone who is at the crux of their life, needing to grab it by it’s
broad horns and wrangling it for all it’s worth, I am seemingly failing miserably. For those of you who may not know, I spent a great deal of the past 10 years forming myself into someone who wishes to entertain, and to be known for his talents. As of late that has fallen by the wayside in favor of a very routine and sedentary existence.
I was very active, in my later High School years, in speech and debate; something that earned me (I’m very proud to admit) numerous accolades and made my name somewhat feared in certain circles whenever I entered a competition in my usual events.
Upon entrance in to College, I took my career by storm: Auditioning for numerous plays, creating some of my own, and striving towards a goal of becoming an eloquent practitioner of my craft in acting. I never acquired any extreme notoriety, but was content that I was able to achieve some of the goals that I had mentally set out for myself, not the smallest of which was to be the lead in a main-stage play. I was made even more proud when the review of the play (whereas thrashing some of the more “creative” elements of the staging) lauded my performance as eminently enjoyable.
After I exited my collegiate years, things began to wind down, and it was (of course) time for me to begin my career. I tied up some things rather nicely by getting married, and finally striking out on my own to become self sufficient from my parents… Only to seemingly run face first into a brick wall. Due to circumstances beyond my control, we became relatively ensconced within the walls of Eugene and became embroiled in no small amount of debt.
Listing from job to job, I was usually able to fuel most of my creative endeavors, whether self inclined or provided by an outside source. But then came the point when most of my reliable connections move on to bigger and better things, thoroughly leaving me in the dust. Not wrongly in any way, but it definitely shut down one of my creative outlets. Things began to spiral: people left, more money was owed, and we were no closer to being able to attain our goals of being creative people in a creative environment.
There were numerous other possible outlets for me to be creative. Namely this blog, for one. But all seemed to pale in comparison to my normal creative outlets of play on the stage or in front of a camera. The blog fell behind, in no small part due to the explosion of StumbleUpon across the internets, which effectively rendered my blogging moot. The number of Plays around at a time, and my ability to be part of them, dried up not only due to the small number being performed, but also with restraints on my time due to my growing responsibilities in my job. Also, some key people to be integral in my next creative filmic effort, were amongst those that left (and only after, the script after a year of being shelved, fell apart) for greener pastures.
So now I’m left in my lazy existence. Fallen into routine of habitually following a schedule, with no change in sight, and no imminent possibility of transitioning into a different lifestyle. We’ve begun to attribute funds towards things which take on a notion of more permanence (i.e. buying a gaming system that was nice to have, but in retrospect, we didn’t absolutely have to have), and our accumulation of personal effects is steadily growing, which makes the notion of leaving for southern climes more and more daunting.
My job is not my career, and there is little to no room for advancement beyond the seniority of time. And whereas I love my job, I don’t want to have to force that to become my career. I am also daunted by the notion that even if we cut completely loose, sell the farm, and move away, that we have no acceptable chance of solvency once we do arrive at our destination. People say that Debt will follow you wherever you go, which is true, but what most don’t realize is that Debt can prevent you from going anywhere too.
Beyond that is the fact that we’ve cultivated many relationships in our time here, and we’re loathe to brush those aside in conquest of what may be a worse situation than we’re in now. I’ve found a job that probably cannot be replicated anywhere else that allows me the freedom of being myself whilst also being able to genuinely try and help people. And whereas I am in no way desperate to shove aside the friends and co-workers I’ve been so honored to be associated with, there is a point where the wanderlust for grander ideas and personal advancement overtakes that comforting familiarity.
I hate what I’ve become. I hate what has happened to my dreams. I hate that I allow it to continue to happen. The resurrection of this blog may very well be a stepping stone back into the creative side of myself, or it may be (as in the past) yet another false start on the path of constant failure.
I ask for no pity or quarter, as much as I expect none. Some may use this a fuel for their resentment: processing this as some imagined slight against their association with me. But I assure you this is not the case. I am gratified for your friendships, I am enticed by your ideas, and I enjoy your companionship. But things need to change, lest they become stale.
I wish I could reform with just a word, or an impetus. But the best I can muster is I refuse to allow myself to be rendered into the mists as just someone’s son, or that person’s friend.
I need to be someone, and the first person who needs to stop standing in my way is me.